Living in Fear

I have to admit. I have been in quite a funk lately. I am tired, tired of living in fear. I know I am not supposed to live this way and I have been working to correct it but it is hard at times to change a lifetime of anxieties.

I have always been anxious and fearful. In second grade my mom would have to literally tear me off of her side when she took me to school. In fourth grade I had the honor of waking up every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 am feeling sick to my stomach because I knew I had swim lessons and the teacher had already threw me in the deep water before I knew how to swim. My parents made sure it didn't happen again but then I was forced to walk around the pool the entire class while the rest of the students had their class. Then in 5th grade I was scared to death to walk home from school after hearing on the news that some guy was stopping and trying to entice kids into his van in a nearby town. When I finally did get up the nerve to walk home-some older boy threatened to beat me up after school- well that did it. Poor mom came and picked me up from school everyday after that.

Middle & High school was better. But I still had the occasional worries and anxieties. Like worrying about my parents getting sick and dying. I worried that I would have cancer at the slightest tinge of pain. I worried that I would grow up alone, and die a single old spinster. You name it I worried about it.

After high school, I sort of went out on my own. My relationship with God became a little more distant. I became engaged to my high school boyfriend and ended up moving in with him against my parents wishes. This broke my heart. Then about a year later, I went back to them broken and ashamed of the choices that I had made. The relationship did not work out- and I crawled back home. They welcomed me home with open arms and hearts and helped me through a very rough time. By that time I was into going out to clubs, I love to country -western dance. I was at a local club probably 5 out of 7 days. My parents still talk about how they prayed me home every night. During those couple of years, I made bad choices. Looking for love and acceptance where none could be found. I am terribly ashamed of many of the choices that I made during these years of my life. I cannot go back and change the things I have said or done but I have asked God for forgiveness and for help to have me move on. I remember one night just saying "God, help me move past this. I do not want to be 60 years old doing the same things over and over again!"

Like an answer to prayer, my life started changing around. The Lord brought an old school mate back into my life. We began to date, we got involved in a church and here we are 9 1/2 years later still learning to rely on God.

Some things though I have a harder time changing. I still worry. Sometimes more than others. My husband has been a great support system~he married me knowing all my fears and insecurities. We have been married for 8 1/2 years and the Lord has gotten us through many a hard time! Over 6 years ago, we found out we were going to be parents. Wow! We were excited, scared and many other emotions rolled up into one. Then on Thanksgiving Day, we miscarried and ever since then, I have been afraid to try again. I fear getting pregnant, then I fear not getting pregnant again and never having a child of our own. I fear one of us getting sick, I fear our parents getting older and worry about their future. We help lead the youth in our church and I fear for them in this day and age and what their future holds. I pray everyday for the decisions that they make in their lives and I pray that the Lord leads them and that they are open to go where He calls them.

Needless to say, I am so tired of living in worry and fear. I know I am not meant to live this way but sometimes I find it a little harder than others to get out of the pit that I tend to get myself in. But God sends sweet reminders to me and I am forever grateful. Here are some more of my gratitude gifts:

19. A post I ran across that made me heart sing this morning. What a great reminder.

20. A turtle dove gathering sticks and such to make a nest for her young. Another sweet reminder that he takes care of those birds so he will take care of me too!

21. Gathering of friends and loved ones to just enjoy each others company.

22. The ability to get up this morning and take in the sweet fresh air.

23. Knowing in my heart that God has always taken care of me and He will never fail me.

Learning day by day, and moment by moment to give my yoke of fear over to Him!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Julie