Not About Me

As I told you before, I am a procrastinator. So, much so that it leads to outright disobedience at times. Its funny how deep down I really want to accomplish a whole list of things that need done in a days time. However, when the pedal hits the metal I freak out and don’t even know where to start. Therefore, I don’t start and this is how I fall behind in everything I do.

Take for instance the “reading through the bible in a year” study that I intended to follow through with this year. It started January 1st 2010 and I did great until May. Then I fell off the wagon and got too overwhelmed when I fell behind. This is the second year in a row that I failed epically and I am beginning to think maybe I am just not disciplined enough to tackle that right now in my life. So, I have decided to step back and regroup. Now, I start by taking a minute to pray before I even open the Word. I pray that the Lord allows me to see with my spiritual senses what He is trying to get across to me. Sometimes I stay on the same passage for more than a day. Other times I keep moving on.

Over the last month or so I have been reading (and rereading) A.W. Tozers book titled “The Pursuit of God”. I have come to realize that my problem is very simple indeed. There is too much of me and not enough of Him. With all my heart, I want to be faithful in serving Him in my life. However, I let “me”get in the way. Tozer has a way of saying things that make one think….and think hard.

In the first chapter he talks about Prevenient Grace. Something I never really gave much thought to before. I mean I know it is by grace that we are saved…it’s a gift. But I never really thought about Previenient Grace which is defined “that before man can seek God, God must first have sought man.”

As I look up John 6:44 I am humbled once again. Why do I always end up thinking that I had a hand in this pursuit of God? Yes, it’s my choice to keep pursuing Him, but He is the initiator of that desire that rises up within me. He is the one that started pursuing me and it makes me long to know Him more deeply.

This is one more reminder that my life is no longer about me…..it needs to be all about HIM! Procrastinator or not …he will get through to this thick headed blubbering idiot…one way or the other! I just pray it won’t take me 40 years in the wilderness to get there…….

Blessings,
Julie

The Rock

Please excuse my absence here the last month or so. I have had a lot on my mind but I find that when I go to type them out...there are just no words. My mind becomes like my facial expressions at times....blank.

The last few weeks I have been sorting out some things, and taking time to step back and "see" where the Lord wants to take me next. I have been feeling like I am on a treadmill....I do a lot of walking I just do not get anywhere. I think I am coming out on the other side of this fog now. Perhaps I just have needed a change of attitude. Perhaps I have just needed a change of perspective. Perhaps I just needed more of Him and less of me. Yes, that is it. Loud and clear.
I struggle with anxiety issues over stupid things. If I would list them all here, one of you would probably suggest I be admitted somewhere for help. They range from a fear of doctors all the way to what-ifing my life away. Most of the time my worries involve me worrying about my family and loved ones. I worry about the day that I will no longer be able to put my arms around them physically. I worry how I will function without my parents when they are gone from earth. I worry about death. Lately, though, my biggest fear is looking back on my life and finding out that I did not actually live. Finding that even though I lived (physically) I did not live for my Jesus. At the end of the road…did I do enough for Him to greet me and say, “Well done…my good and faithful servant”?

So, I have been taking some time, making some big decisions and learning to move forward and trust Him for the outcome.

With all that being said…another thing you may not know is that I am a procrastinator. Not just with household chores but with all aspects of my life. I will wait until the very last minute to move forward with something. This includes gentle nudgings from my Savior. So when he nudges and I don’t follow through…He nudges harder. As I look back on the last month or so I no longer see it as me being a procrastinator…I see it now as me being disobedient. That is one word I do not like. I have never liked it and I probably will never ever like it. Even as a young little girl…I was too afraid of disappointing my parents. To me seeing disappointment in their eyes hurt more than if they would have just paddled my behind. That being said they have always shown me (by example) my Heavenly Fathers love for me. They have always loved me unconditionally and forgiven me when I had gone astray. To know that my Heavenly Father loves me this way (even much more) leaves me speechless and feeling undeserving at times. Let me rephrase that… I am undeserving but His sacrifice would be in vain if I refuse to drag myself up from the muck and the mire and watch the world pass me by. Instead of complaining about a problem I want to be the one searching for a positive solution. I want to be the one who has her feet planted firmly on the Rock.

Psalm 18:1-3
I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,and I am saved from my enemies.

A Random Letter to My Lord

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for Me?-Jeremiah 32:27 (Amplified)

No Lord...there is nothing too hard for you. However, lately I am having trouble letting it all at your feet. It seems my head is filled with doubt and fear and worry and I cannot seem to make sense of anything. I know that I am not living a life worthy of the sacrifice you made for me..help me to see things more clearly.

In less than two weeks, hubby and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage. We have come so far in our relationship and our walk with you. We have been blessed beyond measure and so now I worry when the other shoe my drop. Don't get me wrong God, we have had our share of hardships like Daddy's quadruple bypass, DH heart condition (since he was born), a miscarriage and watching many loved ones move on to their eternal home. You saw us through all these things and I wonder how we did get through it without falling to apart.

It seems I am entering another season of unknowns and I am having a hard time hearing you. I NEED to hear from you. Help me listen and obey your leading.
I am in the in between. I am not sure where I fit and I need you to show me how to proceed.

Help me to give in and let go.

Cause you are the God of all flesh and there is nothing too hard for you!

Love,
your daughter
Julie

Blessed Beyond Measure

Its been two weeks since I have had time to sit and list the abundance of blessings in my life. The list is long this week...for this I am thankful. For when I remember all the blessings....my fears and worries dissipate.

Gifts 171-205

*big puffy clouds that dance across a right blue sky
*the serenade of a sweet birds song
*the sound of water that reminds me of how His love washes over me
*happy fur babies that greet me at the door
*time spent with dear hubby
*planting a seed
*watching it grow
*chasing God
*nuggets of truth slipped into my day
*prayers whispered in the dark
*gift of creation-our glimpse of His handiwork
*nieces on their graduation day
*time spent with friends
*a chat with an old neighbor
*getting to know a new neighbor
*dephiniums in bloom
*a job well done
*bluebirds playing
*the smell of a cool spring evening
*sugar peas fresh from the garden
*the name of Jesus (just saying His name makes a bad day better)
*summer rain quenching dry soil
*longs talks late into the night
*stars shimmering
*blue hydrangeas
*the gift of time
*an opportunity
*silly giggles
*baby kitten finding a loving home
*safe travels
*words of life that finally stick in this forgetful mind
*beef kabobs grilled to perfection
*healthy family
*answered prayers

If you haven't listed your blessings lately...won't you consider starting? Join the community here.





I pray that at the end of your day you will be found reflecting on all the good in your life.....

Blessings,

Gypsy's and nudgings

I left work on Tuesday night the same way I always do…at the same time. However my venture home on this night took a slight turn and it still has me replaying it over and over in my mind.

I left work, caught up in my own head with the days events and worries that seem to cloud my already overly active mind. I made a right at the local Weis Market grocery store and that is when I saw her.

Gypsy girl.

She was walking towards the end of the median with a kitten in her arms and a cardboard sign that I could not read. She was dressed in a long flowing skirt and dreadlocks and looked like she just got back from Woodstock. No bags with her- just a kitten on a leash and a look in her eyes of sadness. She couldn’t have been more than 19. Immediately I wondered how she got here to where she was.

Did she not have a family who loved her and wanted her? Did she not see eye to eye with her family and decided that she could do better on her own? Did she think she had the world by the tail and now it was too late to turn back? Perhaps she fell in love with a boy who stole all her childhood dreams…maybe he used her then left her with nothing. Maybe she never heard of the One who knit her together in her mothers womb…or counts all the hairs on her head.

I was in the midst of traffic so I could not pull off to the side – I had to continue in the line of traffic up the hill. The light turned red and I watched her from my side mirror. A truck driver stopped at the light at the bottom of the hill….must have offered her some money…she ran over than ran back. All the while as I am watching this transpire I feel a gentle nudging that said:

“Go Back”.

My response was “But I have to turn left”

“Go back”

I made the left at the green light, traveled about a mile to my husbands place of business. After discussing what this was he told me to go back if I felt I needed to. Just see what the sign said and maybe give her a fresh bottle of water and a little bit of cash. I went back but I couldn’t find her…anywhere. I turned into the Weis parking lot scanning all the cubbyholes and places that one might use for shelter. I slowly drove around the entire building.

She was gone.

My heart sank. I had failed. Failed to react immediately to a nudging that could not be explained with “mans eyes”. And for the rest of the night I said silent prayers for that girl. That she would come to know the fullness of God’s love and find shelter in her storm of life.

I woke up on Wednesday and she was still on my mind. I searched for her as I drove to work keeping my eyes peeled for her. I am not sure what I was going to say or do if I found her but I searched anyway. Perhaps subconsciously I wanted to right my wrong of not following His prompting from the get go. I still don’t know what it was all about.

I got to work and then I heard the rest of the story…the flip side.

I settled in and got things caught up and then I called my best friend who sits just over the cubicle wall. I know she normally travels the same way home from work as I do so I asked her if she went right or left out of the parking lot that night.

She informed me that she turned left cause she had errands to run but had to turn around and go to Wal-Mart (which is right across the highway from Weis). Then she asked the question..

“Did you see the Gypsy’s?”

I froze.

“You mean there was more than one?”

She went on to tell me that when she pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot she noticed a school bus parked (hidden from view from the highway) stategically against the retaining wall. The bus was painted over to look like something from the 60’s with peace signs everywhere and it was filled with a ton of junk. She said there must have been 15 of them-mostly girls with two older men. All of them had either a dog or a cat with them. No doubt to tug on the heartstrings of animal lovers. The man “in charge” appeared to be a scruffy looking man in his late 50’s. Apparently the girls would go out to panhandle by themselves so not to draw attention to the group of them. My girlfriend said it reminded her of the people that followed the guy down in Waco Texas.

Right there my mouth dropped and my heart sank. Immediately I questioned whether the nudging I felt was from God or was I just being duped. I must admit a little bit of anger rose up in me as I saw this as just one more instance where people would rather beg and steal than to get an honest job and work for a living like the rest of humanity does.

Then I was reminded. BFF told me that even if I would have found the girl that I went back to find, whatever I would have done for her would have been done from a pure heart. A heart that longed to follow the leading of her Lord. Perhaps there was a reason why I didn’t find her. Perhaps it was a test to see if I really would go back. I don’t know.

What I do know is there is still a girl out there (and many more like her) that are thrown into things and places in this life that most of us have never seen or thought about. Deep down I am sure they have the same longings that we all do…to be loved and accepted. Sad part is many don’t know about the One man (the only Holy man) that they can run to.

It’s up to us to show them He’s different .

Would you please join me in prayer for these girls today?

Women of Faith Worship CD

Little old me had the pleasure of stopping by the Women of Faith blog the other week just as they posted this exciting opportunity!

Normally, I always come by these opportunities a little too late, so I really didn't think I would have the pleasure of being able to receive the cd or give everyone my honest thoughts on it. Last week when I opened the mailbox and saw a package from Women of Faith it didn't even dawn on me what it really was. I thought it was my confirmation packet for the conference that I will be going to in September in Philadelphia. (Oh and can I just say that this is my FIRST WOF conference and I AM SOOO EXCITED!!)

I know...you couldn't tell.

Well imagine my surprise when I opened it up and found the cd that I was sure I would never get! What a great surprise to brighten my day~! So, without further ado...here is my honest opinion on the Women of Faith Worship cd.

There are a total of 10 songs on the Women of Faith Worship cd that range from songs that make you want to get up and dance to songs that make you want to just sit alone and reflect of the goodness of God. Many of these songs I have heard before by other artists but I must say I do like their spin on them. I believe the original artists would be very pleased with the WOF version of the songs.

*Track 1- God of This City- a great song to start the cd with. I love this song because it reminds me that no matter what -there is NO ONE like our God. It starts out soft and builds with anticipation...by the end of the song you feel like you just want to stand with hands raised in praise and thank Him. .

*Track 2- I Am Free- This song is a great song to chase away those "frumpy feelings" that you just can't shake when you get out of bed. You know the ones that the deceiver tries to fill your head with..."I don't want to go to work" or " I can't do this". Listen to this song and it will chase those thoughts right out of your head and remind you that you are FREE indeed. In fact, I was on my way to work this morning shouting along to all the cars around me. I am sure some of those drivers thought I must be free on a day pass from the local loony bin.

*Track 3- Just Wanna Say- Honestly the first time I listened to this song I didn't really like it. I am not one who likes music that has a lot of horns (trumpets etc) and this song has that. However, after listening to it a few times it actually has grown on me. It actually is quite catchy and I find myself having the words "Said you'd never leave me, Said You won't forsake me" playing over and over in my mind. A great song to sing to remind yourself of the fact that He will never leave you or forsake you.

*Track 4- Lead Me To The Cross- This song speaks for itself with the following lyrics that make me want to sit a reflect on His goodness:
Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

Enough said.

*Track 5- You Are God Alone- This is another song that leaves me very much reflecting on His goodness and love. This song starts out very soft and reverent and builds to the point of wanting to stand in awe by the end of the song.

*Track 6- Indescribable- I like the way this song feels very light and easy. Another one that makes you want to sing along and announce "You are amazing God!"

*Track 7- Glorious- This is probably the only song on the cd that I just can't seem to get into. Once again, this song has a lot of horns playing which just isn't my thing. But, if you like that type of jazzy music...you will probably love it.

*Track 8- Healer- If you have ever had the opportunity to hear the Kari Jobe version of this song you may think that this one misses the mark. Its hard to blow me away after hearing Kari's version but the WOF Worship team came really close to the mark here. A good version and a great reminder of how he is our Great Physician.

*Track 9- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing- This is one hymn that I never tire of hearing. This is a great addition to this worship album.

*Track 10- Amazed- it is hard for me to pick an absolute favorite on this album but if I had to pick just one...it would be this track. I love how calming this song is to the soul. This song is a beautiful reminder of how in awe we should be at how much He loves us.

So, overall I love this album and would recommend it to anyone looking for some great songs to jam to whether in the car or at home cleaning the house. You might want to watch though, when singing along in the car...they just might revoke your day pass!

I do want to say in closing that I was asked to give my honest opinion of the cd whether it be good or bad...and that is what you see here.

May the rest of your week filled with the presence of Him!

I Am- Me

This morning I hopped on over the Melissa Taylor's blog. Yesterday she posted some run on sentences that she had her daughter Hayley fill out. Today she filled them out for herself. At the end she challenged readers to do the same thing. Phew- I am glad I did this...but I also glad I am done..LOL.

I am... a wife.

I wonder... why there is so much suffering in the world.

I hear....myself constantly fretting about the worse case scenarios.

I see...the beauty of Gods creation all around me.

I want.....inner peace that nothing can shake.

I am ....a worry wart.

I pretend....to be alright when I am really scared on the inside.

I feel....blessed.

I touch...the file cabinet in my cubicle and get shocked all the time!

I worry...about everything and anything.

I cry....over everything. Happy or sad.

I am....a mother to 2 dogs and 1 cat.

I understand...that my life is not my own and bottom line- its out of my hands and into His. This is still a struggle at times for me.

I say...."Zip It" all the time.

I dream.....of being able to live in the moment and not in the "what-if's"

I try...and may fail miserably...but then I will try again.

I hope...that my life is not a disappointment to those around me.

I am...still growing in the Lord and I know He loves me despite all my insecurities.

I am.....Julie