Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Rock

Please excuse my absence here the last month or so. I have had a lot on my mind but I find that when I go to type them out...there are just no words. My mind becomes like my facial expressions at times....blank.

The last few weeks I have been sorting out some things, and taking time to step back and "see" where the Lord wants to take me next. I have been feeling like I am on a treadmill....I do a lot of walking I just do not get anywhere. I think I am coming out on the other side of this fog now. Perhaps I just have needed a change of attitude. Perhaps I have just needed a change of perspective. Perhaps I just needed more of Him and less of me. Yes, that is it. Loud and clear.
I struggle with anxiety issues over stupid things. If I would list them all here, one of you would probably suggest I be admitted somewhere for help. They range from a fear of doctors all the way to what-ifing my life away. Most of the time my worries involve me worrying about my family and loved ones. I worry about the day that I will no longer be able to put my arms around them physically. I worry how I will function without my parents when they are gone from earth. I worry about death. Lately, though, my biggest fear is looking back on my life and finding out that I did not actually live. Finding that even though I lived (physically) I did not live for my Jesus. At the end of the road…did I do enough for Him to greet me and say, “Well done…my good and faithful servant”?

So, I have been taking some time, making some big decisions and learning to move forward and trust Him for the outcome.

With all that being said…another thing you may not know is that I am a procrastinator. Not just with household chores but with all aspects of my life. I will wait until the very last minute to move forward with something. This includes gentle nudgings from my Savior. So when he nudges and I don’t follow through…He nudges harder. As I look back on the last month or so I no longer see it as me being a procrastinator…I see it now as me being disobedient. That is one word I do not like. I have never liked it and I probably will never ever like it. Even as a young little girl…I was too afraid of disappointing my parents. To me seeing disappointment in their eyes hurt more than if they would have just paddled my behind. That being said they have always shown me (by example) my Heavenly Fathers love for me. They have always loved me unconditionally and forgiven me when I had gone astray. To know that my Heavenly Father loves me this way (even much more) leaves me speechless and feeling undeserving at times. Let me rephrase that… I am undeserving but His sacrifice would be in vain if I refuse to drag myself up from the muck and the mire and watch the world pass me by. Instead of complaining about a problem I want to be the one searching for a positive solution. I want to be the one who has her feet planted firmly on the Rock.

Psalm 18:1-3
I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,and I am saved from my enemies.


Andrea said...

Blessings and prayers,

Christy said...

You know He loves you. Right here, right now, who you are today, in all your sinfulness and disobedience. He knows you and what your struggles and fears are. He made you. He knows it's hard. Don't be too hard on yourself! When I'm in a funk it's usually because I'm listening to the the wrong voice (if you know what I mean). Thanks for being vulnerable!

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

Lyla Lindquist said...

That Rock? Keep your eyes fixed on it. Kinda responding to this one and the post after it. Just had a conversation with another friend about this sort of thing. We can try so hard to keep ourselves in perspective, humble ourselves, get out of the way, the whole thing. But I'm learning this: we do that by focusing on Him. The more I let Him (like He needs my permission) - no, the more I just recognize it - be as big as He is and fix my gaze on Him, the more naturally I just fade into my proper place. But the more I try to make myself less, I end up making more of myself. Make sense? I'm still working it out. :)

Grace for you Julie. He's got boatloads of it, dying to dump it on you. And that Bible-in-a-year thing? You know how I think it's overrated. You're on the right track, just letting Him lead that time. You'll love it.

Love to you (and happy anniversary with your miracle guy).

Andrea said...

Blessings and prayers,