Not Me! Well maybe.....

I recently had the opportunity to enroll in a bible study titled So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. When I first signed up I thought it would be a great opportunity to dig deeper into God's word. However, it never dawned on me that I would ever need to learn about insecurity. In my eyes, I was not insecure. I mean I like meeting new people...I am ok with how God made me...I don't think I have any problems with the way God made me.

Oh how naive I have been.

Joseph Nowinski (author) defines insecurity as this:
"Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt--a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-conciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainy about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

Yep..that is pretty much me in a nutshell lately! There has been some big changes this last year. I have been struggling to find my place and as I read over this....the very reason I am afraid to move forward is because of how insecure I am.

Steven Furtik recently said, " We struggle with insecurity because we compare our 'behind the scences footage' weith everyone elses highlights reel'" After I heard that I realized just how true that is. We think that the person standing next to us has it all put together....but we don't really know what is going on on the inside of that person. We are comparing everything we know about us (good and bad) with what we only see of them from the outside.

We also set up False Positives. Thinking that if I could just fix this....I would be at peace or then everything else would fall into place. Problem is when we do accomplish fixing one part...there is always another "if I could just fix this".

Check out this list and see if any bells go off:

"They are married to the most fabulous man in the world."
Prominent false positive: A great man would make me secure.

"Girl, look at your house! You never have to worry about money"
Prominent false positive: Financial success would make me secure"

"She has got the best personality of anybody I know...everybody likes her"
Prominent false positive: Popularity would make me secure"

"They are so young and in the prime of their life!
Prominent false positive: Recapturing my youth would make me secure.

"They run this whole company. Look at how people jump through hoops for them!"
Promininent false positive: Power would make me secure.

"Look at all the degrees on their wall...they are the smartest person I know."
Prominent false positive: Credentials would make me secure.

"They have nothing to worry about...the have tenure!"
Prominent false positive: Job certainty would make me secure

The list goes on but you get the idea. I challenge you to take a small note pad and start righting down all the thoughts that go through your head during the day. From the time you get up until the time you go to sleep. Many on my list start with such a negative mind toward myself. From clothes not fitting to worrying about things happening to my family and friends. Its amazing how the enemy bombards our hearts and minds with such a negative mindset.

Right now I am learning to turn that negative mindset over to God. Exploring the bible to find out what He says about me. The Bible is truth and that is where we should bank our trust and find our worth.

I am starting with Ephesians 2:10
"We are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the things he planned for us long ago."

How about you? What verses do you carry in your heart to beat down the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind?

Eleven Years Ago Today....

Eleven years ago today....
* I woke up with butterflys in my tummy anxiously awaiting one of the best days of my life

Eleven years ago today.....
*I was getting ready in a little room in the basement of our church. My mom and my bridesmaids were helping me make sure everything was just right.

Eleven years ago today....
*I took my daddy's hand and he we walked me down the aisle and placed my hand in yours and kissed me as he turned towards his seat.

Eleven years ago today....
*I looked into your eyes and we exchanged our vows in front of God and all of our friends and family. I knew without a doubt that God gave me you, my soulmate, to walk through this life together.

Eleven years ago today.....
*We had the best reception that I have ever been too (ok maybe I am a little biased). We sang and danced into the night with all of our friends and family. They cheered us on as we sang "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meatloaf. Oh how we laughed when the DJ said "They don't mean it! They don't mean it" when we got to the part about praying for the end of time......so I can end my time with you. We were always a little crazy...weren't we? I think we still are.

Eleven years ago today....
*I was scared of venturing into the roll of wife. Not knowing what it really meant and if I could really live up to everyone's expectations. Who am I kidding? I still feel that way sometimes....lol.

Through these eleven years loved ones have passed on, little ones have grown up and are having children of their own. We have lost but we have continued to love each other. We have laughed, we have cried and we have gotten the chance to see a lot of places I never thought we would see. Through it all....God is good and God is faithful.

Eleven years later, here and now, you have been my knight in shining armor, you have stood beside me and held me...you have reminded me that God has our back. You have been the kind of husband a little girl dreams about and the kind of husband that a little girls daddy prays about for his daughter. You are no doubt...an answer to prayers.

I thank God everyday for you....I can't wait to see where our next 11 years take us!

Love you always,

A Walk Through The Garden

This last weekend my dear hubby and I might have almost killed ourselves. Eight scoops of mulch in 90 plus degree weather equals pretty close to dead Julie and Shannon. Oh but now...after the soreness has worked its way out and the weather has cooled just a bit...I see it was so worth it. I thought I would walk you through to see what is done so far.

What a beautiful surprise we had while mulching our butterfly garden:


A family of bluebirds has made its home:



If you turn around as you stand in front of the butterfly garden you will see:


Along with one of my new favorite plants...sea holly! Can you see the blue color starting to come up through the stems? In a week or two the whole thing will be a beautiful periwinkle blue! These are great for cutting and drying!


This would be my veggie garden! I am not sure what I like best...watching it grow or spending time with my daddy tending it! Sugar peas and green beans:


Yellow beets and radishes:


Tomatoes, green peppers and yellow squash:


This might not look like much but give it a few weeks...this is the start of my cutting garden...complete with sunflowers, broomcorn, cockscomb, and a bunch of other stuff!


As if I didn't have enough raised beds...I had hubby put in a double decker for more cut flowers!

The beds around the potting shed:




The last bed across the back of our property:


And finally a place to sit and enjoy:



So, this is why I have not been blogging this last week or so.....I had a date with some garden beds while "He walked with me...and talked with me"

Sorry I couldn't resist......
Next time I will make sure to get the dew on the roses. :)

Camping Out

An invitation was extended.

I accepted…not knowing where I would land.

Then it hit me- out of the blue. Tucked right in there in Romans Chapter 8.

How did I ever miss these little nuggets before? Could it be I am too wrapped up in me to see He?

:::

I am by default, a worrier and a what-iffer. I wrap myself up in the unknown. I worry about tomorrow and its not even here yet. I doubt his goodness some days and then I feel shame for feeling that way. The year of Fear-less has been molding me….has been good for me. But I am still a work in progress. I suppose that I am not the only one who feels that way. Feeling like you are on an island and you need to walk through the jungle alone. His word tells me I am not alone…He promises to never leave me or forsake me. However, there was one thing I missed…one thing I overlooked. That not only is He with me but He is praying for me. As if, dying on a cross was not enough to prove His love. His love for me did not end with His sacrifice on the cross. It continues today, tomorrow, forever. To realize He loves me enough despite my wretchedness to sit and pray me through each and every day…is overwhelming. So overwhelming that I must sit some more.

:::

Christ Jesus is at the right hand of God and is also praying for us. ~ Romans 8:34

I am camping out in Romans 8:31-39 until at least Sunday (when my 7 days ends). However, I might just stay for an extended visit.

Funny how standing still opens up the heart to actually hear.

Gardening and Soul Tending

It never ceases to amaze me how gardening mimics our spiritual lives. A seed is planted in the ground, new life sprouts. A gardener tends to the soil watering it and feeding it and getting rid of the weeds. Soon the seedling has grown and matured and the most magnificent flower has burst forth with color. Stretching towards the light of the sun to feed it and give it its life. If the garden is not tended to properly, however, something else happens. The plant will shrivel up and die and weeds will uproot and cover the plant and choke out its life.

The same is true said of our spiritual lives. At one time a seed was planted. We were fed nutrients (the Word of God) to make us stronger. If tended to we mature and are at peace with where we are in life. We blossom and we learn to look and reach for the Son who came to give us life and life to the fullest. Tending the garden of our soul, however, does not just happen during a Sunday morning worship service. Tending to the garden of our souls, has to happen on a daily basis in order for us to bloom into all that God desires for us. Spending time in His Word, praying and fellowshipping with other Christians are very important nutrients that help us all grow together and support each other. Our relationships with God and with other Christians are like the tomato cages of our soul gardens. These relationships surround us and uphold us when the storms of this life hit. If we do not make time to nurture our relationship with God (The Gardener) and with others it makes it a lot harder to weather the storms.

Perhaps this is why I love gardening so much…it bring me back to my center….to The Gardener…to the one who works all things out for my good. Many things I struggle with, but one thing is for sure…He is good and He promises beauty from ashes. The garden reminds of this.

I have played around with changes on my blog for sometime. Nothing quite fit. Then I stumbled upon Franchesca, who is a living, breathing example of how God makes beauty from the messes this life leaves. Her story is amazing…and her work is amazing. Please stop over and check her out…you’ll be glad you did! I gave her the things that tug at my heart and she ran with it…I think it suits me just fine…don’t you?

In closing, I leave you with a devotion out of “Jesus Calling”. I believe it fits right in with where I am right now.

“I have promised to meet all your needs according to my glorious riches. Your deepest, most constant need is for My Peace. I have planted Peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, unbelief. I am the Gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of those weeds. I do my work in various ways. When you sit quietly with Me, I shine the Light of My Presence directly into your heart. In this Heavenly Light, Peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. When you trust Me in the midst of trouble, Peace flourishes and weeds die away. Thank Me for troublesome situations; the Peace they can produce far outweighs the trials you endure.”
Philippians 4:19; 2 Corinthians 4:17

I'm still here

I can't believe how long its been since I posted here. The entire month of April has come and gone and I have not been able to gather my thoughts to write. I miss it. The last few months I have wondered if I should just pack my bags and move on out of this blogmosphere. My words in this small space don't move mountains...dont fix problems and they certainly don't mean much except to me. Ah but something holds me here. The friends I have met online mean so much. I would not have had the chance to meet them if not for this bloggy world. So I am keeping this space and will be cleaning up a little. I promise to be a better hostess too. :)

In the meantime here is a few things that have been going on around here. Lets call them a few of my favorite things:

Spring Sunsets:




Blooming bleeding hearts (He sends them to remind me of His love):




Wisteria wandering over my trellis:



Koi pond coming to life:



Lovely lilacs that smell so sweet:




Azaleas that remind me of how He washed me whiter than snow:



Mothers Day dinner with my precious Mother:




Reminders that the clouds may come but His light shines bright:



Let all of creation...sing with me now...

David Days

Some days I feel like David crying out :

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?” ~ Psalm 13:1-2

It seems as if the last month has been filled with tragedy and sadness and it leaves me feeling so empty, so sad and I try to make sense of it all. How do we as the human race find peace in the midst of uncertain times? How do we as Christians answer those hard questions of how and why when there is an unbelieving world out there waiting to throw stones.

My heart bleeds out earlier this month. A mother watches as seven of her precious children are laid to rest all on the same day. Two are spared …a three year old little girl and one still in utero. Tears stream down my face as I struggle to make sense of it all. Do the words of David fall from this mothers lips too?

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?” ~ Psalm 13:1-2

Within days the earthquake rocks Japan and a tsunami follows. Thousands of people are hurt, lost and killed. The nuclear power plant melting down threatens to steal what is left. How does a nation recover from this? How do they not feel forgotten? Do the dark clouds of depression and oppression ever lift so they can see the light at the end of the tunnel? Do they cry out in the night? Or do they waist away silently?

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?” ~ Psalm 13:1-2

This is the hard eucharisteo that Ann writes about in her book One Thousand Gifts. How do we find beauty in the midst of ashes? How do we find joy when darkness swells all around? How do we talk and teach of a loving God when everything around us is falling apart? I read David’s words in the first two verses of Psalm 13 and I feel as if the words came from the depths of my soul. I read more …how does David resolve this anxiety that swells up within him? He searches for the answers that plague him…he goes right to the one who holds all the answers:

“Turn and answer me, O LORD my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.”~ Psalm 13:3-4

David was not afraid to work it out with God. He was not afraid to ask the hard questions that swallowed him up. Why am I? Perhaps, subconsciously, I feel like I have broader shoulders, that I can handle it more than He. Or maybe I just have a hard time letting go. Maybe I white knuckle my way through most things in this life because I am afraid of what it might cost me in the end. I know I don’t want to do it that way anymore. I know that I am slowly changing and He is so patient. I want to hash it out like David and ask the hard questions. I still may not find all the answers I am looking for… but I know I am coming to a deeper understanding of the one who knit me together. Whatever I give….God is able to handle …so why do I always forget that?

Finally, David does what I am learning to do. The hard eucharisteo:

“But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the LORD
because he is good to me.” ~Psalm 13:5-6

Regardless of the situations that threatened David, he took it to God and then he remembered how faithful God is and was. If nothing else I have been saved from death’s sting. For that alone…He deserves my praise and my gratitude. This is a hard thing for a grieving mother to swallow or a family torn apart from a natural disaster. My prayer is they look for something good in the everyday. The joy of seeing a community come together to help rebuild. The rejoicing of a survivor found after days left alone under the rubble. The outpouring of love and help to hold each other up when one is too weak to take another step. It is in these moments that God shows himself worthy and faithful. We just have to stop and search for Him in the midst of it all.