Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Want To Be Just Like Her....

When I look at her life before children...its like looking in a mirror.

She had much love in her life. Her husband loved her so much, I don't think it mattered to him whether they had children or not. He loved her regardless. It reminds me of my dear husband and how much he loves me, regardless of our barrenness.

However, with joy, comes sorrow. Yes, she was loved but she was also grieved by what she did not have. During certain seasons in my life, I feel the same way. This time of year is hard for me. Six years ago at this time, hubby and I were expecting. Unfortunately, we did not have a happy ending. We still remain barren. Mostly because of fear. Fear of "what if" it happens again. We are hesitant to step back onto the roller coaster of emotions that we have experienced in the past. We have grown, though, in ways that may not have been possible if we have not traveled down this path.

I believe that Hannah knew all about that. I believe she experienced the full spectrum of emotions that I have been through and still go through at times. We read in 1 Samuel how she cried out to God in her anguish. So much so, that at times, she couldn't even make full words or sentences come out of her mouth. She never took her eyes of God. I envy her.

In the midst of her sorrow she vowed to God, that if he would bless her with a child, she would give that child back to Him. To make a long story short, she did and without hesitation. Because of her faithfulness she was blessed with much more. Looking at her story, its hard to imagine praying for something so hard and then in the end having to lose it all over again. In hindsight, that is what we did, though. We ended up giving him or her back to the one who created them. I find comfort in that now~ after all these years. We did not at the time freely do that- like Hannah did. That is where our story differs.

Hannah was so many things that I desire to be. I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time- I am still a work in progress. Hannah had so many beautiful characteristics- no wonder the Lord was gracious to her....

She was a woman of her word...(trustworthy)

She was faithful......(she never stopped communing with her Savior)

She was nurturing....(after she gave Samuel over to God and left him with Eli she contained to pray for her son and to visit him once a year)

She was sensitive...(her husbands other wife taunted her when she was barren-driving her to tears many times-she always went to the Lord with her grief and her tears though)

She was loving......(she loved her family with all her heart and soul and never stopped praying and caring for them-even when they were out of her sight)

I look at her story and I want to be like her. I want to run to my Savior first and not wallow in my pain and grief. I want to nurture those around me and show them how good God really is. I want to allow myself to be sensitive so that I can help someone else who may going through a rough time. I want Him to use me like he used Hannah- for His glory. I want others to see Him in me, like I see Him in her.

Help me, Lord. To be just like her.......

4 comments:

Lyla said...

Julie, why do you get to do all the cool OT heroes and I get the flakes and the jerks? ;)

Seeing yourself in Hannah...you've let out a raw part of your heart here. Thanks for sharing it.

As you know, we lost our first before we knew her. When I was pregnant with my youngest, we learned his due date was the same as hers (yeah, don't ask). I determined that he was the "redemption baby" and would restore what was lost. It was a nice idea, but unfortunately one I kept flinging in God's face demanding He perform according to my expectations, rather than resting in it as a gift and a sign of His hope for us.

He gave me that chance for a "Hannah moment" when we had complications and the baby came early. I'm pretty sure I was not as courageous and gracious as Hannah and did not willingly relinquish my hold.

But He was faithful. He really was. All around, as always, faithful.

Women like Hannah prove Him out, and they don't block the view. You're doing that here too.

Jennifer said...

I feel your pain here, Julie. As one who lost 2 babies and cried out like Hannah (but without her grace or faith, I'm afraid), I empathize with your sorrow. Thank you for revealing your heart.

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

You shared a part of your heart that is -- no doubt -- still raw and tender. What a beautiful soul you are.

Thank you for letting us enter into your hurt -- and then ministering to us through it. I'm in awe of God at work IN you.

Lyla said...

Julie, why do you get to do all the cool OT heroes and I get the flakes and the jerks? ;)

Seeing yourself in Hannah...you've let out a raw part of your heart here. Thanks for sharing it.

As you know, we lost our first before we knew her. When I was pregnant with my youngest, we learned his due date was the same as hers (yeah, don't ask). I determined that he was the "redemption baby" and would restore what was lost. It was a nice idea, but unfortunately one I kept flinging in God's face demanding He perform according to my expectations, rather than resting in it as a gift and a sign of His hope for us.

He gave me that chance for a "Hannah moment" when we had complications and the baby came early. I'm pretty sure I was not as courageous and gracious as Hannah and did not willingly relinquish my hold.

But He was faithful. He really was. All around, as always, faithful.

Women like Hannah prove Him out, and they don't block the view. You're doing that here too.